IS IT OVER!
pros and cons
people try to decide if their relationship's over, they often
find themselves weighing up the pros and cons.
the pros side they put all their partner's positive character
traits, the happy memories and the advantages of being together.
the cons they list all the things they don't like about their
partner, the painful memories and the reasons why living together
sometimes feels impossible.
problem with this system is that they're never measuring like
for like. For example, when listing personal qualities, how many
negatives would it take to counteract being an excellent mother?
And how many happy memories does it take to outweigh an affair?
there's no formula and no conclusive tests when it comes to deciding
whether your relationship's over. All you can do is ask yourself
some difficult, soul-searching questions and see what the answers
Is love enough?
Love means different things to different people and at different
stages of their lives, so can it be relied on in the decision-making
process? For example, one woman may spend years in an abusive
relationship, saying "I love him," while another will
walk away from a seemingly idyllic marriage because she's no longer
can sometimes blind us to the reality of what we really have.
And although it's difficult, we can choose to love someone and
we can choose to stop loving them. As well as being a feeling,
love is something we do.
Do you like your partner?
Before you can love someone, you have to like them. If you
enjoy being with your partner, agree with how they think and behave,
and share the same dreams in life, you're doing well. If your
partner is also someone whom you respect, trust and feel affection
for, you have all the basics for love to grow.
Can you communicate?
All relationships hit problems at one time or another; the
key to overcoming them is communication.
your relationship, there needs to be a genuine capacity for sharing
and expressing your thoughts and feelings in a way that feels
OK for you both. There also need to be ways to resolve conflict
and for you both to address any unmet needs.
Is change possible?
If there's a particular issue that makes you want to leave,
you first need to consider whether it's possible to make changes
to resolve the problem.
the problem something you can let go, or is it fundamental to
your happiness? If it's the former, you have to ask yourself if
you can change; if it's the latter, can your partner do the changing?
your partner doesn't agree that there's a problem, they won't
change. If they do agree and are willing to change, you have to
decide whether you believe they have the capacity to change.
Is it too late?
There's no doubt that some situations do get better with time.
Even the most painful betrayals can become less significant if
there's an ability to forgive and move on.
if either you or your partner has been hanging on to a grudge
for years and there's no indication that the pain has eased at
all, you may decide it's too late for a resolution.
indication that it may be too late to save the relationship is
if one of you has already started to develop a life that excludes
the other. This might include a change in career or lifestyle,
or starting another relationship that you don't want to end. If
this is the case, then even though you haven't made a verbal decision
to end the relationship, it may be that emotionally you've already