people avoid commitment
you want to take the next step with your relationship and your
partner is shying away, it's a natural reaction to think there
must be something wrong with you. But if they're showing no signs
of wanting to leave the relationship this is unlikely to be the
case. More often it's to do with not feeling ready or fears that
the relationship won't work out.
are three main reasons why some people find it difficult to commit
to a relationship:
* they feel it's too soon
* they're scared the relationship won't work
* they're in love with romance
There's no right or wrong speed for a developing relationship.
Everyone needs to go at his or her own pace. Perhaps they feel
they need more time to get to know you, to grow together and work
people need more time to get to know themselves and explore their
expectations of life. There may be things they feel they need
to sort out before committing to the relationship, such as a career
or issues with family members.
who have been hurt in the past often need longer than others to
feel sure of their feelings and confident that they can trust
Anxiety over whether the relationship will work is the most
common reason why some people find it hard to commit. As divorce
rates continue, its not surprising that fears are growing
about the permanence of relationships. If someone comes from a
family background where there was divorce, they're even more likely
to be anxious that the same could happen to them.
will never be a guarantee that a relationship will work, but the
longer you've been together, the better your chances and your
In love with romance
While a lot of people see romance as part of the chase, others
have little desire to catch a mate but prefer to spend their lives
people simply can't accept the sacrifices commitment brings
people simply can't accept the sacrifices commitment brings. Some
are in love with the newness and excitement of romance and simply
don't feel they can honestly make the commitment to faithfulness
that most partners expect.
How to cope
Whatever the reason for your partner not wanting to commit,
the following should help you to communicate better and cope with
* Explore the reasons. While you may not be able to directly change
your partner, understanding why they feel as they do will help
you accept their position.
* Give reassurance. If you find they're fearful the relationship
won't work out, then offer plenty of reassurance that you're committed
to working at the relationship through good times and bad.
* Set time posts. Rather than feeling you have to wait indefinitely,
set yourself time posts. Decide that you'll review how youre
both feeling about commitment every six months - or whatever period
feels right for you.
* Enjoy yourselves. Once you've agreed that you've put the commitment
issue on hold for six months, make sure you do everything you
can to forget it and enjoy all the other aspects of your relationship.
* Plan practice runs. If there are particular issues that your
partner is concerned about then do what you can to rehearse the
situations. Perhaps you could holiday together, spend more time
with in-laws or just discuss some of the tricky issues that you
still need to resolve.
* Consider counselling. If some of the issues seem quite deep
rooted then consider couple counselling .
* Remember you have a choice. This one may seem very difficult,
but it's true. You can decide to wait for your partner or to leave.
This isn't to say it would be an easy decision, but ultimately
you do have a choice. If you think you need to explore this then
you might find it helpful to read Is it over?.