things in common is often a major part of the initial attraction
to our partners. Some anthropologists will tell you that at an
unconscious level we even go so far as to choose partners who
look like us.
a relationship develops, each shared experience gives us the chance
to check out if we're compatible. Do we share the same taste in
music? Do we laugh at the same jokes? Do we like the same people?
we seem to have plenty in common, we'll begin to explore each
other's aspirations to see if we have a shared future together.
What our ambitions say about us
When we begin to talk about our dreams and ambitions, we're
sharing the things that are closest to our hearts. We're saying
something about our personal values and about our priorities.
* If you won $1million, what would you do with it? Or, to put
it another way, what are the things that make you happy?
* If you could have only three things with you on a desert island,
what would they be? Or, what are the most important things in
to their own
The person who says "f I won a million, I'd buy us a
new home" is saying something quite different from the person
who says "I'd buy myself a sports car".
person who forgets to mention their partner as one of the things
they'd have on a desert island with them had better be ready to
When dreams change
Your partner always insisted they hated travel, but has now
announced a desire to emigrate to Peru. How can that happen?
we get older, most of us become wiser and more self-confident.
Our tastes change and so do our priorities. It's this capacity
to change that makes it possible to be happy with the same person
for 70 years. And when both partners change and grow together,
it can be a life-enriching experience.
change can also a little scary. We may fear that our partner is
growing away from us. For a time it may seem we have less in common,
that we don't know them as well as we thought. But even if your
dreams are off course for a while, it doesn't mean they won't
come together again in the future.
The most important thing is to share the same personal values
and priorities in life with your partner. And when couples talk
about their underlying motivations and needs, they often discover
that they do.
example: If you want to abseil down Mount Kilimanjaro and your
partner wants to write science fiction, you both want to satisfy
a personal need to accomplish something that takes stamina, perseverance
if your partner wants to work as much overtime as possible while
you want to have more time at home, underneath you may both believe
that the children come first and want to do what you can to provide
If your goals in life seem to be worlds apart, don't give
up yet. Sit down together and identify what need within you that
goal is going to satisfy. You may well find that your goals are
the same as your partner's - it's just the paths that are different.
Have a look at Your hopes and dreams to find out more.